From the desk of Lauren Palmer–an excerpt from my journal written today.
How relaxing it is to brim in confidence that He is good and near and attentive. How safe, how in control I feel.
Until I don’t.
Well-worn faith turns ragged and full of holes allowing doubt, frustration, even anger to slide through the once strong weave of my foundational beliefs. My faith.
His timing, not mine. God always provides. Seek ye first the kingdom of God…all the words and verses that no longer resonate fill my mind and I yell aloud, “What am I supposed to do now?”
Logic tells me to keep believing when stats reveal a sinking ship. And so I tread water. And I tread more. And He doesn’t feel near. And I am exhausted. And I deserve help because I AM clinging to the promise of Him. How long must I expel this energy that takes me nowhere?
Seek ye first the kingdom of God…
But what does this verse from Matthew even mean? How do I seek His kingdom more than I am? I’m seeking and I’m sinking. I’m still lost.
My life coach let me in on a secret. Seek ye first the kingdom of God…in the message translation says:
Steep yourself in God-reality
And suddenly there is a game plan and a renewal of faith that will suffice me to continue.
As frustration hardens into anger, God-reality reminds me that I am alive and have oxygen in my lungs.
As doubt creeps into my ‘why’, God-initiative prompts new movement I hadn’t thought of before.
And as exhaustion intercepts my resolve, God-provision provides strength and I inhale, flip over, and float, resting on top of the strong waters as Christ did during a different storm.
“You of little faith,” he said, “why did you doubt?”
Because I’m human. Because I had allowed my soul to detach from Him when the waves distracted me. Because I was impatient and didn’t seek his kingdom first.
I hadn’t steeped myself in God-reality
Inhale. Flip over. Float. Enjoy the safety and security of the rocking motion of the waves. Because He is the waves. He is everything. And the wave will carry you to dry land when He sees you are ready to stand.
photo credit: Emily Megan Photography
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